I was recently invited to a “formal, four-course dinner” and the dress code that I was rightfully made to understand as an Army Officers son, was formal since we were going out to a prestigious club located on the 80th floor, with breath-taking views of the city and a very Victorian styled club, which drew the crème de la crème of the city, “supposedly” in their finery. But what followed was an eye-opener and an “education” of sorts, a lesson that I had to learn with a pinch of salt, the hard way.
Generally, when you are invited on such occasion, the only rule is to be you. Social etiquette and protocol may sound like something only a debutante would need to know, but don’t let these terms throw you off. In the Army, there are various situations, occasions, and events in which certain social standards and procedures are followed. Simply stated, social etiquette and protocol are common courtesy, sincerity, and consideration for others. They are common sense, good manners and the nicest way to be gracious. Be yourself. If you are truly sincere and keep an open mind and a pleasant attitude you will be successful in any social situation, that’s what I thought.
There are a couple of etiquettes and mannerisms that I have learned over the years and would like to share with you. Firstly, Dress appropriately, which I painstakingly did. Understand what a Dining Out is and is not. Don’t hesitate to ask if you are uncertain. Arrive on time. Not more than 5 minutes early and no more than 10 minutes late. For formal dinners like this, find your seats on the seating chart.
There is a social hour from 18:00 – 19:00 hours for you to enjoy talking to other guests, which I tried to as soon as I entered the club but to my surprise, I saw Dom Pérignon’s being downed as if it was running out of fashion, nobody was exchanging pleasantries and mostly were engrossed in the addictive habit of using their mobile phones to click away from an aged doorknob to a majestic old lady which they mistook for the furniture. I hastily “beat the retreat”, grabbed a glass of the bubbly and sunk myself into a sofa, smiling within at the “Cirque du Soleil”, unveiled in front of me.
Generally, a bar is available at these sort of events and most of the guests are seen there first, rather than at the ballroom or the reception area. The general rules are sort of understood, such as, please get any drinks before going through the receiving line and place them on your tables or during the designated break. Please do not leave while the speakers are engaged, presentations are being made or the singing is taking place. Do not over-indulge in alcoholic beverages. (If behavior or sobriety becomes an issue you will be asked to leave).But what I saw was quite opposite of that, I feel that some guests had forgotten their mouthwash at home and instead, champagne was doing the job for them.
With the general “formalities” over we were ushered into the dining area where it was “free for all”, it was a grab me if you can, table grabbing completion, where the fittest and the one most agile got the table since I was fit enough, we got a good table.
We all know that Toasts are sipped-if you do not care for wine, simply raise the glass to your lips or sip water. Follow the toastmaster’s (MC’s) lead, and never drink a toast to you, i.e. -ladies do not drink when the toast “To the Ladies” is given. Join in the toasting, applauding, or standing for your spouse if the group is doing so. But before we could say Jack Robinson, everyone was “well Toasted” and “flying” on Aladdin’s Carpet, forgetting the formalities, drinks, and food ruled everyone’s mind, body, and soul.
At official functions ranging from a change of command to a unit social, you may be invited to greet the host, hostess or guest of honor in a receiving line. The scenario that unfolded was quite the opposite, the host was tipping over at 45 degrees with a glass of the bubbly in his hand when he took to the podium and in his gibberish talk about wines and food pairing, best understood only by him, surprisingly everyone present there were nodding in unison, making me believe that they understood everything that this gentleman was dishing out the “gospel truth”.
Here I would like to share with you the protocol, generally, a receiving line is a formal way for the host and /or hostess to greet guests and to introduce other dignitaries in the line. It is especially important to be punctual as sometimes units go through the line together. No food, drinks, purses, coats, hats, or cigarettes are to be carried with you, do not chew gum. Your spouse should not offer his arm to you or hold your hand while proceeding through the line. Except for receiving lines at the White House, diplomatic corps, and Air Force functions, the lady goes before the gentleman. Your spouse will give your names to the Aide or Adjutant at the beginning of the line. Do not shake hands with the Aide or Adjutant. Your name will be passed down the receiving line, but be sure to reintroduce yourself if there is a problem. Always face the person you are greeting. A brief greeting, accompanied by a firm, cordial handshake and a smile is all that is expected. You should then move promptly to greet the next person in the line. Only if your progress through the line is delayed should conversation with members of the receiving line be initiated. Should your name get lost in the line, repeat it for the benefit of the person you are greeting. After completing introductions in the receiving line you may socialize with the other guests.
Done with the rules and regulations that have been drilled in our minds since we were children and when we went to the functions in the “officer’s mess” in tow behind our Dad, with the officers and the soldiers dropping salutes at the drop of the hat.
I gently raised a toast in my better halves honor, I knew that nobody was noticing except my “Guardian Angel”, the beautifully folded napkin lay on my lap, while others draped them over the chairs, a total disregard to the norms.
If you are a gentleman, do so for the ladies. It will be nice to help her with her chair too, that’s what we learned at school but I was amused to see the ladies standing while the gents helped themselves to copious amount of alcohol, my wife and I were “disturbed” by this trend and purposely left a chair empty next to ours, to graciously to allow a lady to be seated. Was this a Fine Dining Experience or where the women would be “fined” if they were seated first.
Though most people say anything goes these days – here are some sensitive topics you should be aware of:
- Money
- Politics
- Religion
- Sex
- Inappropriate Jokes about race, gender, religion
- Sinister gossip
Boasting, bragging, name dropping or incessant talking will also make anyone unpopular. While most of the “gentlemen” behaved well but a “High Society” individual with God knows what net worth made a Damsel in Distress sit on his lap, displaying his emotions to the amusement of the public, some just looked the other way, while others enjoyed this display of “true affections” for the masses. “Come on Dad, how can you eat a roti (Indian Bread) with a fork?” I always used to ask my father when I was a teenager, and still do sometimes! In reply, he just used to smile. Over the years I learned that social etiquette is so deeply ingrained in Army officers (and officers of other services) that one can easily identify them even in civil society on account of their mannerism, appearance (especially their haircuts), style of dining (whether eating in a mess or home or simply put—the entire personality—that speaks of grooming that starts as early as at the age of 16 when they join the Military Academy and goes on during their lifetime.
As the evening progressed, so did the “noise” got unbearable beyond the decibels allowed in the dining experience, there was a so-called connoisseur of wines with Degrees attained in France, rattling like a fully loaded machine gun, dishing out names in French, which nobody understood, I guess that was his agenda.
With the dinner over, little or no pleasantries exchanged and the rich and the famous done with their investments and deals, the common man like me, excused ourselves from this enriching experience, an education of sorts.
“Living in an atmosphere of the closest and most trusting of comradeship, the Armed Forces have developed a strict code of conduct, some written and some passed down by word of mouth. These are the Service Customs epitomizing the most cherished of qualities amongst the officer corps: Gallantry, Chivalry, and Comradeship in Arms. With respect for traditions and the observance of certain rules of society on the wane, the significance of these age-old customs must be understood, and these are not forgotten.”
In a city as fast-paced and swanky as Singapore, where wheeling and dealing are done at breakneck speeds, it is clear that money rules the roost but the society, in general, has degraded to such an extent that family values, discipline, courtesy, graciousness, being polite and humble are things of the past.
The strict atmosphere that we grew up in and sometimes cursed our Dad about, there were rules from getting up to rules in the bathroom and until when we were sleeping put us off as youngsters. The word “Brigadier” is slowly sinking in our heads and we realize the true worth of an officer who instilled these qualities in us, to lead by example and make the society a pleasant place to live in.
In hindsight I thank my father who made “real men ” out of us, his uniqueness is what sets an Army officer apart from the ‘crowd’ and the “crowd” has just got messier and has got lost in translation over the years.
